Some Humor

Cat Definitions
Aquarium: interactive television for cats.

Cat: 1. a lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer. 2. a four footed allergen. 3. a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist. 4. a small, furry lap fungus. 5. a treat-seeking missile. 6. a wildlife control expert. 7. one who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes. 8. a hair relocation expert. 9. an unprogrammable animal.

Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.

Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.

Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.

Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.

Dog: a cat's device for running practice.

Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.

Energy: the element of vitality cats always have an oversupply of
until you try to play with them.

Human: an automatic door opener and treats machine for cats.

Impurrsonate: to act like the cat.

Kitten: a small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities
to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with
near-mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at
least two.

Purrade: an organized march of cats.

Purradise: the garden of Cats.

Purramour: a cat lover.

Purranoia: the fear that your cat is up to something.

Purraphernalia: a cat's personal belongings.

Purrch: any favored feline napping spot.

Purrchase: anything bought for a cat.

Purrfume: the scent of an open can of tuna.

Purrgatory: a houseful of kittens.

Purrmission: a feline hunting expedition.

Purrpetual: everlasting feline love.

Purrplex: a house with two or more cats.

Purrson: a male kitten.

Purrsuit: the garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are
leaving home to go to an important meeting.

Purrverse: a poem about a wicked kitty.

Tooraloorailurophobia: an irrational fear of Irish cats.

Tuner: sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear.

Yawn: a cat's honest opinion openly expressed.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

"Top 10 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password"
10. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."
9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like
alt.recreational.catnip.
7. Your web browser has a new home page:  .
6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.
5. Hate-mail messages in your outbox to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier
release of "CyberDog."
4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.
and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...
1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

And then there's all that gourmet cat food arriving COD...

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

10 signs your cat is OVERWEIGHT:

10.Cat door retrofitted with garage-door opener
9. Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair
8. Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken
branches.
7. Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens
6. No longer cleans herself unless coated in Cheese Whiz
5. Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit.
4.It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
3.He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.
2.Enormous furry gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.
1. Has more chins than lives.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

"The Cat To English Dictionary"

Cat Phrase     -     Meaning

Miaow  -  Feed me.

meeow  -  Pet me.

mrooww  -  I love you.

miioo-oo-oo  -  I am in love and must meet
my betrothed outside beneath the hedge.
Don't wait up.

mrow  -  I feel like making noise.

rrrow-mawww  -  Please, the time is come
to tidy the cat box.

rrrow-miawww  -  I have remedied the cat
box untidiness by shoveling the contents as
far out of the box as was practical.

>miaowmiaow  -  Play with me.

miaowmioaw  -  Have you noticed the
shortage of available cat toys in this room?

mioawmioaw  -  Since I can find nothing
better to play with, I shall see what happens
when I sharpen my claws on this handy
piece of furniture.

raowwwww  -  I think I shall now spend time
licking the most private parts of my anatomy.

mrowwwww  -  (only heard in males)  I am
now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my
private parts did not return with me from that
visit to the vet

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Cat show in heaven!

I am certainly bored," stated John.

"Me too," Paul chimed in.

Peter stood and watched the cats play. "I know!"
Peter began. "Why don't we have a cat show?"

Paul and John thought that the idea was great
except for one small detail that Paul pointed out.

"Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked.

The trio pondered a moment when Peter realized
the answer: "We will call up Satan and invite him
to the cat show. I mean, we have all of the finest
cats here in heaven, all of the Grand Champions
and National Winners are here.  His cattery is
filled with the spoiled, difficult and mean cats.
We are certain to win at the show!"

And so the trio calls up Satan on the other
realm communication lines and invited him to
their cat show. Satan laughed and asked why
they would want to be humiliated like that,
because he would certainly beat them.

Peter, Paul and John did not understand. "What
do you mean Satan?" Peter asked. "We have all of
the Grand Champions and National Winners
here in heaven. How could you possibly beat us?"

Satan paused a moment and then laughed: "Have you
forgotten so soon, gentlemen? I have all the judges!"

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Cat Physics
Presented by the Institute of Theoretical & Applied Cat Physics

1. Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

2. Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

3. Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

4. Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

5. Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

6. Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

7. Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any countertop that has anything remotely interesting on it.

8. Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant speed, until he gets good and ready to stop.

9. Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

10. Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

11. Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in inverse proportion to a
human's desire for her to do something.

12. First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will therefore use as little energy as possible.

13. Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

14. Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

15. Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

16. Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

17. Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

18. Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

19. Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

20. Law of Furniture Replacement
A cats desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

21. Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

22. Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

23. Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

24. Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

25. Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

26. Law of Selective Listening
Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can't hear a simple command three feet away.

27. Law of Equidistant Separation
All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.

28. Law of Cat Invisibility
Cats think that if they can't see you, then you can't see them.

29. Law of Space-Time Continuum
Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.

30. Law of Concentration of Mass
A cat's mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.

31. Law of Cat Probability (Uncertainty Principle)
It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the probability of where she "might" be.
32. Law of Cat Obedience
As yet undiscovered.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Dropped a Cat

Q. If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a  height, what would happen?

I've verified the result of this experimentally, and find that all laws of thermodynamics and Murphy are preserved.

1.  If bread is loosely attached, cat hits floor on his feet, then removes bread which hits floor, butter side down. Elapsed time is identical to that of merely dropping buttered bread - which can becalculated by considering acceleration due to gravity and air resistance of bread.

2.  If bread is more tightly attached, cat hits floor on his feed, removes bread, then FLINGS it to the floor butter side down.  Cat adds sufficient acceleration to bread to make up for time lost due to un-attaching bread, so butter hits floor with the correct elapsed time.

3.  If bread is ABSOLUTELY attached to cat, cat hits floor on his feet, then, to make sure that NO TIME PARADOXES occur, cat rolls over on his back, causing butter to hit floor with the correct elapsed time.

4.  Buttering a cats back doesn't work - cat hits floor on his feet, then proceeds to wipe butter off on all furniture in the immediate vicinity, starting with the most expensive.  (This causes much more damage than just dropping bread, and doesn't involve either a time paradox or a violation of the applicable laws of the universe.) Plus, cat is severely pissed off, and tends to piss on any furniture that he considers didn't receive sufficient butter damage.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

THE CAT TO ENGLISH DICTIONARY:

CAT PHRASE     -     MEANING

Miaow  -  Feed me.

meeow  -  Pet me.

mrooww  -  I love you.

miioo-oo-oo  -  I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge.  Don't wait up.

mrow  -  I feel like making noise.

rrrow-mawww  -  Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.

rrrow-miawww  -  I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.

miaowmiaow  -  Play with me.

miaowmioaw  -  Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?

mioawmioaw  -  Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.

raowwwww  -  I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.

mrowwwww  -  (only heard in males)  I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.

roww-maww-roww  -  I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries.  I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.

mmeww  -  I believe I have heard a burglar.  If you would like to go and beat him senseless, I shall be happy to keep your spot in the bed warm.

gakk-ak-ak  -  My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball.  Wherever could this have come from?  I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.

mow  -  Snuggling is a good idea.

moww  -  Shedding is pretty good, too.

mowww!  -  I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.

miaow! miaow!  -  I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.

mraakk!  -  Oh, small bird!  Please come over here.

ssssroww!  -  I believe that I have found a woodchuck.  I shall now act terribly brave.

mmmmmmm  -  If I sit in the sunshine for another week or so, I think I shall be satisfied    

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Cat Show Dictionary

BENCHING REQUEST (bentching rikwest) Verb
A tactical maneuver employed byexhibitors with a devout interest in social climbing, self-preservation or both.

BLOW (blo) verb
What a cat does when it turns ballistic in a ring and goes after a judge the way China goes after its dissidents.

CONTRACT (kontrakt) noun
Attempted legalese in which the part of the first part, through sedulous disregard of the first and other amendments, seeks to hog-tie the party of the second part in a transaction involving a cat.

CATALOG (katuhlaug) noun
An often over-priced, confusing, hard-to-use exhibitor's necessity. Contains all the information on all the cats entered in the show; however, this information is frequently incorrect due to no fault of the exhibitor or the entry clerk. Designed to fall apart by the third ring of the day. Unlike the hand, is easily misplaced. Most frequently disappears when your cat has done very well and the information it contains is badly needed.

DESIGNER CAGE CURTAINS (dizainer kaej kertinz) noun
A triumph of platitude over practicality whereby once-utilitarian items have been elevated to status symbols. Spiritually akin to velvet Elvis painting, designer cage curtains sometimes cost more than the cats they surround.

DIRECTIONS TO THE SHOW HALL (direkshunz, sho haul) noun
In legal parlance, sufficient cause for justifiable homicide.  No jury has ever convicted a person for assaulting the committee member who put together the directions to the show hall.

DISRECTIONARY INCOME (diskreshunaree inkum) noun
What an exhibitor has left for the mortgage, the kids' orthodontist and the utility bills after paying entry fees, plane fares and dinners charged to Master card for the last four shows.

DISINFECTANT (disinfecktnt) noun
A sacramental ointment used by judges to wash their hands of their decisions.

END-OF-ROW-BENCHING (end ov roe bentching) noun
Prime show hall real estate, paid for by exhibitors who are incapable of ignoring people on both sides of them at once.

ENTRY CLERK (entre klurk) noun
A person of questionable judgement who suffers fools, phone calls, and inane questions, though not always gladly or with grace.

FRESH WATER (fresh wahtr) noun
A luke-warm, murky substance at least one-quarter mile and two doorways from an exhibitor's benching cage.

FUR (fer) noun
What some exhibitors and judges wear to cat shows in colder months to demonstrate their concern for all animals great and small.

GATE (gaet) noun
A collective noun applied to a collection of individuals, at least half of whom interrupt your grooming to announce that they "have a cat just like that at home".

GENETICS (juhnetiks) noun
An arcane, tedious discipline, little understood, yet much discussed by cat breeders, the knowledge of which has nothing to do with producing a good cat.  Unlucky breeders resort to genetics to explain their failures, lucky breeders embrace it to explain their successes.  Both are generally wrong.

HAND (hahnd) noun
An appendage, with an opposable thumb, provided by providence so that exhibitors will have something to write their cats' entry numbers on that, unlike the catalog, they won't be able to misplace.

HOUSEHOLD PET CLASS (howshoeld pet klas) noun
A congregation of cats of allegedly unknown origin who sometimes outnumber their pedigreed cousins at a show.

ITCOULDGOEITHERWAY (itkudgoeeethurwae)
A plea of Nolo Contendere entered by a judge who is about to say something that a goodly percentage of the audience is sure to disagree with.

JUDGES DINNER (judgz dinur) noun
A secular version of the last supper in which the haves are pursued by the would-haves. An enterprise to which the average exhibitor is not always invited, despite the fact that he or she is subsidizing the dinner with an entry fee.

JUDGING TABLE (judjing taebul) noun
A place where fleas, mats, ear mites, and suspicious looking bald spots, miraculously appear for the first time in a cat's life.

LUNCH BREAK (luntch braek) noun
An interval in which exhibitors repay judges for their many transgressions by asking them questions while they are trying to eat.

MASTER CLERK (mastur klurk) noun
A person with a keenly developed tolerance for drudgery, a head for transcribing figures under extreme duress, a determination to become a judge at any cost.  A fondness for self-flagellation and hairshirts may be substituted for the judging fixation.

NOVICE EXHIBITOR (nahvis exibitur) noun
A natural mutation of the human species. Equal parts "Golly-Gee" enthusiasm and endless questions.

PEDIGREE (pedugree) noun
A document listing the known (or alleged) ancestors of a cat.  Much studied by persons with a fondness for cryptograms.

PEOPLE FOOD (peepul fud) noun
What exhibitors subsist on at shows.  Differs from cat food in that the latter must conform to certain government standards.

POLITICS (polutiks) verb
Why your cat was defeated by a cat belonging to someone on the show committee, or by a judge.

PREPOTENT (preepoetunt) verb
What a male cat automatically becomes after he's produced one good litter with a mediocre outcross female.

PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM (publik ahdres sistum) noun
An instrument of torture that argues (loudly) on behalf of selected repression of freedom of speech.

RAFFLE (rafl) noun
Legalized petty larceny, sanctioned by show committees, in which children are authorized to shake down their elders in the spirit of trick or treat.

RIVAL ASSOCIATIONS (raival asosseeaeshunz) noun
Beknighted assemblies with no redeeming social value, where cats are inferior, the judges incompetent, and the exhibitors eat their young.

ROSETTE (roezet) noun
A garish wall covering. Prized by cat fanciers.

SHOWABLE BREEDER (Sho-abul Breedur) noun A cat with a better chance of producing than defeating grands. Distinguished from the garden variety of breeder by the price.

SHOW BATH (shoe bahth) verb
A very painful and needlessly complicated process which removes a quantity of dirt and hair form a cat, multiplies it by ten, mixes it with steam and applies it to every surface of a room.

SHOW COMMITTEE (shoe kuhmitee) noun
The ship of fools, depending on who's at the helm and how treacherous the sharks in the surrounding water are.  Note the word "commit", as in certifiably insane.

SHOW FLYER (shoe flie-ur) noun What the serpent concealed in the apple he presented to Eve.

SPECTATOR (spektaeur) noun
See "GATE"

STANDARD (standurd) noun
A work of fiction that artfully combines the exactitude of the constitution with the literary flair of a blueprint.  Difficult to read, nearly impossible to apply, and frequently ignored by the judges.

STEWARD (stoo-urd) noun
An underage and under duress member of the juvenile set wearing at least one item of clothing you've never seen before and looking at a bunch of cats he or she hopes never to see again.

THIRD CALL (thurd kawl) noun
The earliest call heeded by those exhibitors who believe the last shall be the first, as long as the judge sees them putting the cat in the ring.

THISISTHEWAYISEEITTODAY (thisizthuhwaeiseeittooday)
A porous disclaimer that the judges use when they aren't convinced of the certitude of their decisions and suspect that you aren't going to either.

TIEBREAKERS (tei-braekrz) verb
What a judge does to stall for time and pray for guidance when itcouldgoeitherway. These services are usually conducted just before the judge intones thisisthewayiseeittoday.

TITER (tietur) noun
A number that when squared and divided by 10,000 reveals your chances (expressed in percentages) of wiping out your entire cattery, if you buy the cat the titer describes.

TRAINEE (traenee) noun
An extremely nervous individual who holds up the show while trying to guess how the judge is going to hang the ribbons in any particular class.

WEDNESDAY (wenzdae) noun
The first day of the week which exhibitors regain full use of their faculties. Unfortunately, the day of the week on which exhibitors begin preparing for their next show.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff". T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your cat do?"  The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."  Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, peed on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Home | Cats | Kittens | Shows | Gallery | Links | Guestbook | Contact

Playing in the background is Catch a Falling Star. [lyrics]